But I have accepted that life is not fair, never will be fair and there is not a damn thing a person can do about it...so, we move on and do what we can, with what we have and the tools we are given. But let me tell you...some days I do think, I must have loaned out some necessities in my tool box. WHY do I feel this way? Oh I can tell you why but it doesn't seem like it does a lot of good, especially when it comes to my health and how much little things can constantly affect a persons life. Why is it that at one point in my life, I was athletic and healthy and than years later, I know I'm not healthy like I could be...first it was the struggle with reproductive crap and the diagnosis of PCOS. Than it is all the things that are faced after losing a child...to long to even get into, but those were emotional challenges. Than it is high blood pressure. Than it is diabetes. And as pissed off as I sometimes get, I wonder where my motivation went? It always seems like one thing affects the next, and the next... when truth be told, I should be scared out of my mind if I don't start taking better care of myself. NOT that I do all the wrong things, but somewhere I keep missing what must be some of the right things. Want to know my biggest fear? The one thing that scares me more than anything in this world? The one thing my heart aches for, but I have no idea how to face that fear? The one thing I have been scared I for some reason do not deserve? I bet you can guess, if you know me well... A baby. Our dream...to have a family...however, the very thought of pregnancy scares me to death. So, my thought....my brutally honest thought, that I am point blank admitting... if I am having a hard time getting my diabetes under control, my own health, do I deserve to be able to carry a baby again? Should wanting to have a child not be enough motivation to have taken better care of myself earlier? There are struggles and heartaches that are faced every day after losing a child. However, there is acceptance, believing God has his reasons and yes there is still hope for the future. I am insanely blessed that I have a husband who loves me, he truly loves me and if I had to spend forever with him and no kids...well, I could live with that too. So what the hell is the answer? The answer is to face my fear. I know this...he knows this...but I can give you a million excuses for why this is not yet the time. I am hoping that god is leading me down the right path, and that by getting my body in a better place, well maybe he will lead us down the path of having another child.
Well that seemed to be blunt. It was a good little vent, airing my biggest fears and letting them out for all of you to see...Am I willing to give myself the benefit of the doubt and to keep moving forward and to not give up on my own health? Why yes indeed. Is it a fast process that will have instant results? Hell no! What I have done is started exercising a little more, not gonna lie...I need to do a lot more... I have started taking my medication a little more...ummm...well, as prescribed...I have started taking Vibe, which I have no idea if it is a coincidence or not, but since being on it for only 3 weeks, I have got a period, yes I'm sure you all wanted to know that YES, I did menstruate! lol...hey it's a rare occurrence, suck it up, don't read this if you can't handle it. My blood pressure has dropped quite a bit and I feel better, like a feeling I can't explain. Do I think its a miracle vitamin? Nope. Do I think everyone will love it? Nope. But I know of so many people who have life changes because of the Vibe and I am hoping with me personally adding the strawberry slim, it will help shed a few, unwanted pounds...I laughed OUT LOUD...a FEW?! I've noticed my nails are stronger, just some weird things...could it all be a coincidence? Yup. But I know ONE thing...I am feeling better, my motivation is kicking in and it is pushing me to make some changes. So as frustrated as I get, as disappointed in myself as I get...do I still see hope? Why YES, YES INDEED!
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