What's up Doc?

Every 6 weeks lately I have had to go in for my diabetes, I like to pretend I have to go in because my Doc misses me and it's not really about my blood sugars cuz that's just more depressing.  UGH, I feel like this is such a slow process to really get it under control, which I guess I'd like to think that is normal when you decide to do things the correct way vs. the easy way.  Apparently I prefer a good challenge, not sure what that's about.  I have learned that broccoli baked with a little olive oil and some sea salt dipped in a little ranch is oddly enough a really good snack.  WHO KNEW!  There are times when a person feels like I can't win!  One thing that has changed since I started taking Vibe is that I have been having regular periods, I know you all wanted to know that!  Suck it up, fact of life!  However, on the flip side, during this special time of the month, I really friggin prefer chocolate over broccoli!!  So I haven't perfected my diet, I'm working on it!  I don't know how all the skinny bitches of the world do it! 

So my goals are to go in to see my Doc because he misses me and hope that my blood pressure is still lower...one of my vibe tests...that he is a little happier with my morning blood sugars, however, I will not be surprised if he still increases my dose for my shots..and that I have at least lost a couple pounds.  I mean I don't want to rush into anything ya know?!  Since I truly messed up today and had a cinnamon roll and than had noodles for supper, my ass has to get into health mode tomorrow.  Next up after Doc appt. is to stop looking at my treadmill and wondering if it will miraculously put itself down and actually put the thing down.  I have found that just sitting on the treadmill doesn't constitute as getting "on" the treadmill and I actually have to plug the bugger in! 

NOW to be totally honest, I thought my appt. is on the 28th which I had in my head was Tuesday, so I currently checked my calendar and realized that would be tomorrow.  SHIT.  Wish me luck!

Sometimes....It's just not fair....

But I have accepted that life is not fair, never will be fair and there is not a damn thing a person can do about it...so, we move on and do what we can, with what we have and the tools we are given.  But let me tell you...some days I do think, I must have loaned out some necessities in my tool box.  WHY do I feel this way?  Oh I can tell you why but it doesn't seem like it does a lot of good, especially when it comes to my health and how much little things can constantly affect a persons life.  Why is it that at one point in my life, I was athletic and healthy and than years later, I know I'm not healthy like I could be...first it was the struggle with reproductive crap and the diagnosis of PCOS.  Than it is all the things that are faced after losing a child...to long to even get into, but those were emotional challenges.  Than it is high blood pressure.  Than it is diabetes.  And as pissed off as I sometimes get, I wonder where my motivation went?  It always seems like one thing affects the next, and the next... when truth be told, I should be scared out of my mind if I don't start taking better care of myself.  NOT that I do all the wrong things, but somewhere I keep missing what must be some of the right things.  Want to know my biggest fear?  The one thing that scares me more than anything in this world?  The one thing my heart aches for, but I have no idea how to face that fear?  The one thing I have been scared I for some reason do not deserve?  I bet you can guess, if you know me well...  A baby.  Our dream...to have a family...however, the very thought of pregnancy scares me to death.  So, my thought....my brutally honest thought, that I am point blank admitting... if I am having a hard time getting my diabetes under control, my own health, do I deserve to be able to carry a baby again?  Should wanting to have a child not be enough motivation to have taken better care of myself earlier?  There are struggles and heartaches that are faced every day after losing a child.  However, there is acceptance, believing God has his reasons and yes there is still hope for the future.  I am insanely blessed that I have a husband who loves me, he truly loves me and if I had to spend forever with him and no kids...well, I could live with that too.  So what the hell is the answer?  The answer is to face my fear.  I know this...he knows this...but I can give you a million excuses for why this is not yet the time.  I am hoping that god is leading me down the right path, and that by getting my body in a better place, well maybe he will lead us down the path of having another child. 

Well that seemed to be blunt.  It was a good little vent, airing my biggest fears and letting them out for all of you to see...Am I willing to give myself the benefit of the doubt and to keep moving forward and to not give up on my own health?  Why yes indeed.  Is it a fast process that will have instant results?  Hell no!  What I have done is started exercising a little more, not gonna lie...I need to do a lot more... I have started taking my medication a little more...ummm...well, as prescribed...I have started taking Vibe, which I have no idea if it is a coincidence or not, but since being on it for only 3 weeks, I have got a period, yes I'm sure you all wanted to know that YES, I did menstruate! lol...hey it's a rare occurrence, suck it up, don't read this if you can't handle it.  My blood pressure has dropped quite a bit and I feel better, like a feeling I can't explain.  Do I think its a miracle vitamin?  Nope.  Do I think everyone will love it?  Nope.  But I know of so many people who have life changes because of the Vibe and I am hoping with me personally adding the strawberry slim, it will help shed a few, unwanted pounds...I laughed OUT LOUD...a FEW?!  I've noticed my nails are stronger, just some weird things...could it all be a coincidence?  Yup.  But I know ONE thing...I am feeling better, my motivation is kicking in and it is pushing me to make some changes.    So as frustrated as I get, as disappointed in myself as I get...do I still see hope?  Why YES, YES INDEED! 

Confession of the Medicine...

Wow, it has been a crazy couple weeks and I feel like my prayer list just keeps getting longer and longer!  Sometimes I get so wrapped up with everything else I kinda forget about myself.  Well, I have been working on exercising more...my favorite is still the water aerobics!  I think in my former life I may have been a whale, that is why I love the water and tend to feel like one when I look in the mirror.  But HEY!  I'm working on it!  My doc says he would rather see me lose wieght slowly and keep it off than to drop fast.  LOL,drop fast...like that will happen!  So slowly it is!  What tends to be a wake up call is often something that is usually tragic in some way.  This week, it is a friends husband, who is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I was told he has diabetes and that doesn't help his situation.  So, I guess that scared me a little.  We take things for granted every day, not intentionally but we all do.  I see that taking my health for granted is something that I can no longer do.  I just want to feel healthy, not a toothpic, but healthy.  I am taking my liquid vitamin and I have been a huge skeptic about this, like for well over a year and now I wonder why I didn't start sooner.  However, I didn't want to believe, and sometimes things sound too good to be true and that is what I thought.  There are those that benefit from certain things and those that do not and as much as I hate to admit it...since I have been taking my Vibe, I have genuinely felt better than I have in a long time.  Now mind you, I'm not taking this for weight loss but for general health.  I was sick of being tired, sick of just not feeling real motivated and knew that I needed to make some changes.  So I sucked it up and tried it.  I have labs next week...OK, I was supposed to get in this week but procrastinated and got busy.  I thought my doc appt. was the end of the week, but according to my calendar it is Monday.  So, will go to the doc, get my lecture, and get my labs done.  I also kinda wanted to extend my lab work as  my one test is the A1C which is a test that averages the last three months, I figured I better get a couple good weeks in there.  So we will see what that looks like.  I'm also going to be brutally honest and tell you that I am not the best at taking my meds like I should.  I am supposed to give myself a shot 2 times a day...kinda ends up more like 1 time each day or so...I KNOW....and 1 of my pills I am supposed to take 2 times each day...I take it 1 time a day....I KNOW...but you want me to be honest right?  The way I see it, I am going to get this under control on my own, so when my doc tells me I can decrease my med...well, I'm so ahead of the game!  OK, I KNOW, not the smartest idea, but I do check my blood sugar and it hasn't been out of control and it is improving, so I am doing something right!  The way I see it, if I would be taking my meds as prescribed, I think it would be too low, so really I feel I got it all figured out.  NO LECTURES necessary!  Lab on Monday and see doc on Monday.  Are things improving?  Slowly but they are INDEED!

Not gonna lie...

When I realized today that people read my blog post and commented, I thought "oh shit" for a minute as I now may have some place to be accounted for.  CRAP.  Let me first confess my sin of the day.  A weakness I have is the grocery store.  NOT that I enjoy the grocery store, it really is one of the places I do not like going to, however, my vulnerability comes in the "bakery" area.  Did I get a small doughnut today as usual?  Whoops!  Did!  However, I do believe the rest of the diet (let me confirm when I say diet, I mean the meal plan I am to follow for my diabetes) went well and since I declined on the icecream tonight, I feel that balanced things out.  In my mind, this was a good day, and just for fun, when I had Bently out going potty, I'll admit that I ran and did some ridiculous leg lifts.  So it wasn't a mile or anything, but I figure even a little exercise is better than none.  Can I just say that those people who enjoy running and doing marathons are not people that I can understand at all.  It just does not seem right to me.  I don't LOVE to exercise, so little by little I am adding things that I enjoy, such as water aerobics.  While the class is only once a week, it is a start and something I love!  The water!  So, part of my plan is finding ways to be more active, but doing the things I like.  In the end, I would rather be a happy and healthy size 12 than a size 2 and not healthy or happy.  I am working on figuring out the diabetes quirks finally and not going to rely so much on my medications...I want to get off of the medication therefore, changes are in store.  I have added a liquid vitamin to my daily routine also.  Have I been a skeptic of this vitamin?  YUP, and finally I caved.  I have talked to many people who have had too many wonderful changes to not add it to my own life.  I gotta believe step by step and little by little things will come together.  Do I have a goal in mind?  Why YES INDEED!

It is time....

May the procrastination of my own health be left behind.  Am I dying?  Not by any means, but if I do not change some things, my time on earth will end before I want it to.  The cold hard facts of the issues I am facing are the following:  Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and pcos.  I used to think that it was one thing after the other, however, I guess I'm thinking they are all related.  Well hell, lets throw being overweight in there too.  I'm sure this is related to the health issues and NOT AT ALL by the fact that I love food and chocolate.  So, I am making some changes and why am I blogging?  Maybe if I lay it out there for the world to see and journal about it, just maybe that will give me some more motivation and a place to prove that this time, I am dedicated.  So, this is going to be a slower process as dealing with diabetes always is, but this is going to be a journey and a lifestyle change that I have to make.  Tonight I shall pray.  Do I have a plan?  Why yes indeed I do!